[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
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