@Freak_N_Geeky

Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

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@chuuew

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

@abbygov

“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone

@_jennatural

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

@hpb777

A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.

@auty_schmotty

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

@DontDraketheIce

Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad

@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@cromp_daddy

man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh

@Pork_Chop_Hair

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.