Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.