@meganamram
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
@Freak_N_Geeky
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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@meganamram
@TravLeBlanc
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
@freefanaddict
Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.
@jordan_stratton
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
@tweetsbyrocket
octopus: [gun in each hand]
feral hog: you’re 22-42 short buddy
@DudeImShawn
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
@Seinfeld2000
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
@Gorilla_Turd
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
@bossy_bootz
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
@TheBoydP
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.