Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”

Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”

Him: “Wait, wh-?”

My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”

Me: “I know, right?”

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[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”


“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone


My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?


A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.


My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?


Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad


Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.


man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired

woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?

man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh


In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.