@chuuew
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
@Freak_N_Geeky
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
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@chuuew
@abbygov
“you’re so beautiful” nice try Jesse the Uber driver, i bet you say that to all the vulnerable and scared women who get into your car alone
@_jennatural
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
@hpb777
A fun way to find bleach in your coffee is to tell me I’m turning into my mother.
@auty_schmotty
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
@DontDraketheIce
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
@ComedicBust
Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
@redrawnoxen
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
@cromp_daddy
man [looking at condom in horror]: oh no.. it’s expired
woman: don’t condoms take like 5 years to expire?
man [visibly sweating]: uhhhh
@Pork_Chop_Hair
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.