@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

You Might Also Like

@_Mo_lee_

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

@ohen39

wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

@DeadLioness

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

@LuvPug

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today

@daemonic3

I’m a:
?man
?woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
?skateboard
?carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
?shred
?fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

@sixfootcandy

People need to learn the difference between heroin and heroine. One is exceedingly more difficult to fit into a syringe.

@Maxine12339

Must spend less time with my dogs. Haven’t bitten the mailman yet but I am starting to circle three times before sitting down.