My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
For those that worship cheese..
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
kids play hide and seek like
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour