Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Um … Hot Wings please