@AbbieEvansXO

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

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@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

@SadMeterologist

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@michaelianblack

Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.

@MatCro

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.

@molly7anne

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

@TheTweetOfGod

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

@wildethingy

The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.

@0v3rthOught

Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*

@ddsmidt

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.