Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

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Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade


Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions


Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”


Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.


[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.


screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉


Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.


The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.


Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*

Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.

*returns to the present to find a world without children*


I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.