@Pork_Chop_Hair

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

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@Stap_Jr

Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.

@stephenjmolloy

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

@knot_eye

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

@sixthformpoet

1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments

@skittle624

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

@Reverend_Scott

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

@jonnysun

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

@imteddybless

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

@fro_vo

[me on Ellen}

Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions

Me: that’s right Ellen