Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
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I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Ghost costume 😂
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!