Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?