Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Thursday
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too