Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
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Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
you have three unread messages
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Brands during Pride
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe