@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

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@vineyille

After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.

@lloydrang

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

@_Mo_lee_

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

@solsayswhaaa

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

@Havish_AF

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

@Stonekettle

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@280Jokes

When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.