Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

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After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.


Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.


“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!


CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)


Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!


Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT


– Shout!
– Shout!
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.


I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


When I was younger I used to sell home security alarms door to door. I was always selling the most security alarms out of anyone else I worked with. “What’s your secret?”. If I went to call on a house and nobody was home, then I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.