Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

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My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard


[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.


Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy


I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.


I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.


This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.


*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers

*watches slowest jousting match ever


Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed


[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]

CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?

ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio