“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
New tinder profile pic
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.