Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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I want to thank The Squad for their endorsement of my presidential run today. These four are true leaders and together we are going to transform our country so that it works for all of us. So again, thank you Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo. Cowabunga, dudes.
If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?