@MelKassel

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

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@CaelaCarter

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

@GamerPres2020

I want to thank The Squad for their endorsement of my presidential run today. These four are true leaders and together we are going to transform our country so that it works for all of us. So again, thank you Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo. Cowabunga, dudes.

@PortRooster

If women had to be assembled, a lot of us would probably just play with the box…

@BuckyIsotope

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

@Soren_Ltd

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

@iwearaonesie

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

@krisv_723

Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

@CrzyCharly

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

@JohnHilsen

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?