HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime