Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-
Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
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I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris