HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

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Interviewer: If I called your former boss right now and asked him-

Me: *smacks the phone out of his hand* don’t do that


I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”


I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.


[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.


Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.


Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.


Before the Internet, I guess I just assumed all my friends knew how to spell “definitely.”


Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…


2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris