Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.