Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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Free him
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
my astrological sign is a french fry
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
If looks could kill
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.