@POTerritory

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

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@jane__bradley

This is the first meme I’ve ever shared but it’s a day of firsts so…

@AntozWolf

I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.

@GarrettCake

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

@iwearaonesie

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

@ch000ch

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

@DestryBrod

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

@FredTaming

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

@mortimermaiden

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.