Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

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This is the first meme I’ve ever shared but it’s a day of firsts so…


I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.


“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life


Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips


I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*


Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.


Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you


her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what


Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.