HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
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Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face