“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
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-An A to Z guide to parenting.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns
Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.
All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.