@GingerHotDish

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

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@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

@tsm560

Someday I’m gonna miss this place. I can’t wait for that day

@lecalabara

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@KalvinMacleod

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

@SirEviscerate

HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.

@phalguy

I wrote a book titled:
How Dragons Are Greater Than Unicorns

Daenerys Targaryen wrote the foreword.

All she wrote was: No shit Sherlock!

@GrantTanaka

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.