Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

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Anytime I lift my leg higher than 3 inches I yell “KARATE!”.


Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.


I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*


The second I get shampoo in my eyes, I’m 100% sure there’s a murderer in my bathroom.


Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.


How about we don’t pick a president this time and everyone promises to behave themselves.


It’s sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.


All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.


Me: will I find true love?

Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y

Me: dammit grandma not now


I wish “friends with benefits” meant your friends paid all of your bills.