Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?
Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
*a jerk swings a hammer at me but i duck and hold up a birdhouse that’s one nail tap shy of being finished*
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!