Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house