him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it

me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?

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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.


My kid can build an entire city with a stick & a bale of hay in Minecraft but you ask him to load the dishwasher & suddenly he’s brain dead


*Crime Scene

Cop: (cuffs the dog)

Detective: what the hell are you doing?

Cop: Sir, I think we’re dealing with a shapeshifter


date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex


me: *yelling* avada kedavra


My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.


how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes


[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all


If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.