him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.