him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.