@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

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@MongooseMayhem

Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.

@RadioShorty

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

@caithuls

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

@junejuly12

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

@_steamy_mac

The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.

@TealSather

Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa

@Adam_Kingsnorth

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

@KyleMcDowell86

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”