Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
79.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
#Thanos #MondayMood
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.