Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

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Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.


So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!


DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table


If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.


The pen is mightier than the sword if you have a really good pen and a really shitty sword.


Untitled Goose Monstress

Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa


The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park


“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”