How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.