@Mr_Kapowski

Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption

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@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@ravenswng_

At a doctor appointment:

“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”

HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!

@jonnysun

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

@anerdonfire2

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@dorsalstream

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@JoParkerBear

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

@gtfml

When someone tells me they’re a bodybuilder, I always ask “Not the Dr. Frankenstein kind, right?” because you can never be too careful.