@Mr_Kapowski

Him: This house is perfect for us!
Her: What about the kids?
Him: You’re right. We’ll have to put them up for adoption

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@SadieSmithRoks

Is no shave November just for men?

Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

@KalvinMacleod

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@aspiringtoucan

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

@Brampersandon_

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

@thejessbess

People are like, “Jess, can you give me some advice?” & I’m like, “K, don’t get kidnapped.”

@BleakBaron

Hey girl, are you Liam Neeson’s daughter? Because if so nvm