Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

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Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back


I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?


Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…


It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.


I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.


If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend


During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.


Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you’re out of Valium