Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
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I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
“Sheer Arrogance”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.