Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
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Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.