Him: this isn’t working out

Me: *sitting under the squat rack eating a donut* yes, I’m aware

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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane


[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident


Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.


Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.


My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches


date: so what are your hobbies?

me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight


The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.


*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*

ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?


Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.


I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.