3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”