the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Him: this isn’t working out
Me: *sitting under the squat rack eating a donut* yes, I’m aware
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Don’t talk to me about your drinking problems until you’ve tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
date: so what are your hobbies?
me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
*I see a guy with a shark tooth necklace*
ME: Holy shit, that’s sharpest part of a shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.