him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
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the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I just tested negative for patience.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.