*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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Any writer can be a ghost writer if you kill them
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]
PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing
ME: My heart on my sleeve
PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark
ME: Oh no, you’re bad
PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink
ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia
Cop: this him?
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation