Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
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there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”