Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
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A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here