Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Your honor these allegations are
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.