People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
😜
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.