@junejuly12

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

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@AbbieEvansXO

Date: I love car chase action scenes

Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

@jellybnbonanza

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

@Hemant_i_am

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

@MarfSalvador

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

@DimpleThakkar

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

@DepressedDarth

I’d rather listen to Chewbacca get a bikini wax than listen to Pitbull’s music

@BoogTweets

[January 1st]

Moon: whatcha gonna do today

Earth: START A REVOLUTION

@thatdutchperson

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines