him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people