Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
You Might Also Like
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.