Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
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TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.