HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
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Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.