Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
we’re dead?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
When your parents check you’re ok.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.