The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
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DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes
ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.