@elunatyk

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

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@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

@hippieswordfish

DATE:[texting friend] he keeps comparing stuff to athletes
ME: *returning from bathroom* man they got the michael jordan of toilets in there

@YesThatAmy

What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!

@bmarked21

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

@JizzIam

I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.

@o__0Dev

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

@Just_Lee_

When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.

@Pro_Jones_

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

@CharmandBrains

A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.

@mjkspeaks

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.