In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive