@TomatoTomoto1

Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet

Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?

His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers

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@jjhartinger

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

@my_minivan_life

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

@glamoureptile

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

@Daveastated

*Me being held for ransom*

Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!

@GrantTanaka

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I want a divorce.

ME: Is it because of my small wrists?

WIFE: Yes.

ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.

@ceejoyner

A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.

@patnspankme

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

@Beerhaze

Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn’t burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.

@sgrstk

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.