Giving away valuable art secrets.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
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If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If you’re able to read this, thank a teacher! If you can do busy work while wasted and watch an unrelated video, thank a substitute teacher!
cop: were you texting and driving
me: no i was playing go
me: [speeding off] if you say so
The Sun’s probably Asian.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?