@julietactually

him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf

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@skin_and_i

“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.

@MaiPareshaan

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.

@tomatopasties

Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter

@vapidaccount

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

@savvystrider

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

@ExcuseMyTweets

The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets

@canadasandra

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”