him: what are u wearing
me: overalls
him: do u want to slip into something more comfortable
me: more comfortable than overalls? wtf

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This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.


I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.


Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter


Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.



Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101


The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets


what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”