I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?
Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.
Me: I love you too
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween