Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
*daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
DON’T CALL ME THAT
“YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!
army general: we were defeated
me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.