@badbanana Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
@prufrockluvsong Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
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@badbanana 
@papasuncle [commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
@drayzze “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Doorbell repairman.”
@SteveSuckington [high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
@SatansTongue *daughter grabs 50 shades of grey*
NO!
*smacks it out of her hand*
“I want to color!”
ITS NOT WHAT YOU THINK
“But daddy-”
DON’T CALL ME THAT
@Mikecanrant “YOU’RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!” – I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
@Reverend_Scott “Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
@DaNaLa13 You didn’t even notice that I had 1/8 of an inch cut off of my hair!
– women
@leakypod army general: we were defeated
me: [confused, looking down] what…whats inside ur boots then
@Jay_FrickinLynn Me: Hi
Kid:
M: Still? It’s been a week
K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE!
M: You didn’t die. Calm down.