Him: what are you doing

Me: gas is so cheap right now

Him: ok but–

Me: *continues filling bathtub*

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I paid My 11 old $10 to do the dishes, so on her way to the bathroom I mugged her…because, you know, life lesson.


[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns


Me: oh hi! Did you come over because I’m sad? How do you always know when I need you?

Cat: get me my damn jingle mouse.

Me: I love you too


Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?


Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”


people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola


who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween