Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
You Might Also Like
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Hank is one in a melon.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?