@jctwritesstuff

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

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@Eden_Eats

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

@ewfeez

My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@continentlbkfst

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

@novicefather

*reads menu for reasonable amount of time

“I’ll take the food.”

@Gupton68

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

@ThisOneSayz

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

@meladoodle

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again