@jctwritesstuff

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

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@TheReal_AndyMac

When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.

@iwearaonesie

wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?

@WeissBrandon

Name the only building in the world with 80,000 stories

The library

(My 6yo told me to tweet this)

@iamdevinwagner

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

@Death_Buddy

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.

@_Water_Baby

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

@ArfMeasures

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!