Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
The dark side of Canada
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
going to the ER y’all need anything