The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Wise advice
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?