him: what are you going to be for halloween?
me: happy.

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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”


I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…


People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.


I sympathize with those who fear that sex ed will sexualize kids. Our youngest studied WWI on a Monday; by Friday he’d invaded Belgium.


[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot


When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.


My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.


MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.


FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind