I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …