Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
him: what are you going to be for halloween?
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I bet Vegans that become zombies must really struggle with the whole brain-eating lifestyle…
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
I sympathize with those who fear that sex ed will sexualize kids. Our youngest studied WWI on a Monday; by Friday he’d invaded Belgium.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind