Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
when nothing goes right… go left
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.