@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

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@treywafer

Her: wanna dance?
Me: I’m never gonna dance again
Her: why?
Me: guilty feet have got no rhythm
Her: ?
Me: sorry, I’m old…*Fml*

@House_Feminist

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

@TamiDaBushPilot

him: *rolls over and puts his hand under the pillow* what’s this?
me: what, my snuggle knife?

@TheBeerGuy73

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

@AnOrangeSNES

All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer

@9GAG

when nothing goes right… go left

@WheelTod

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

@nbadag

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

@daemonic3

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.