him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Flock of bats
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
asked my bf how work was today
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me