Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

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This, being a gentleman thing really works. Women just fall for me when I offer them my handkerchief. Sure it’s dabbed in chloroform…


People constantly ask why I don’t add pictures of myself to my account. So here I am. I’m the one at the back.


WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes


If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?


Champagne for my real friends. Real pain for my sham friends. Ginger ale for my friend Craig he has a tummy ache right now Craig why are you even at this party


[commercial for college]

*person shoveling money into furnace*

Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?


Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you