Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Noah
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe