Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit