A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
*everyone does the macarena but like really ironically*
Coworker: Guess what day it is?
CW: Guess what day it is?
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
M: And olive oil?
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!