Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
british sex workers really pound for pound
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!