Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Mister_Burnham

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

@KKAlThani

My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.

@AnkCoupleTO

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

@brianjdunne

[mockarena]

*everyone does the macarena but like really ironically*

@Sarcasticsapien

Coworker: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: Guess what day it is?
Me: Don’t.
CW: It’s hum..
[30 min later]
Cop: So you stapled his lips?

@WilliamAder

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

@ObscureGent

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

@perfect_messs

[Miss America]
I gracefully take off my sports bra as my talent. Everyone is in awe. I win the crown for doing what no woman has done before

@HughGoesThere

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

@Kryzazy

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!