Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
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I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.