Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

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Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.


I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:




He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?


– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request


Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes


The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.


Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.


them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph


HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?

DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks


“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry