@theshantilly

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

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@mommajessiec

Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.

@marinarachael

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

@SatansTongue

He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?

@bombfunk75

– Deletes FB account
– Leaves Social Media
– Moves to Himalayas
– Pigeon comes with a note
– Opens note
– Candycrush request

@ChristineVinard

Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes

Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@kumailn

Every text from my mom is the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read. Until the next text from my mom.

@DrakeGatsby

them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable

trader joe: make the lanes even narrower

them: done

tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots

them: you got it

tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph

@trojansauce

HAIRDRESSER: *holding mirror* and the back?

DRACULA: *nodding* um.. yeah.. sure.. great thanks

@Fred_Delicious

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry